How I Look

I grew up with a mom who was very critical of my appearance and my weight. There is a lot to be said about that, but I will limit it to this - I went through years of dieting and bingeing to try and resolve the conflict between my really healthy self-esteem and really poor sense of my body-image. It didn't help that an ex-fiance of mine said some pretty derogatory things about my being overweight when he ended the relationship. I would resolve to diet, do it for a while, then give up either because my brain said that it was a silly thing to do to starve myself, or because I'd feel that there wasn't any point - my body was never going to look good.

Eventually, I reached a point where I decided that I was going to accept what my body was like, do good things to it, hope that if any weight-loss occurred it would improve my body-image, but that I was not going to intentionally go on any sort of diet ever again. I have mostly stuck to that. I don't calorie count, I don't do drastic diets, and so on. My body-image right now is not super wonderful, but I thought I had learned to live with it.

Then this December, I went to visit my little sister. My little sister is gorgeous! She is petite and at a very healthy weight - she is not skinny, not overweight, and looks amazing. She also takes care of exercising regularly, dressing and making herself up and so on - things that I don't do. My mom would frequently compare my looks to hers, and although this has not diminished how much I love her and how wonderful our relationship is, I find myself frequently comparing myself to her. It's never envious or resentful - more just admiring and cherishing, thank goodness!

In any case, my sister is getting married next year. I am her maid of honor. I went dress shopping with her. She looked amazing in all the dresses she tried on, and finally found the one! She looked drop-dead gorgeous in it! It is a stunner! Things were going along great until I tried on some bridesmaid's dresses. I hated myself in everything I tried on! No matter what style of dress I tried on, I found myself criticizing my two problem areas - my stomach and my arms. And without wanting to, I kept comparing myself to my sister and how delightfully lovely she looked in her dress. For a couple of days after that, I kept remembering what I looked like and the sense of shame that came up for me. I tried to find gratitude for my body that is so good to me, but I found it very very hard to do. I was miserable.

I don't want to feel like that on her wedding day. I want to be there for my sister and happy for her without constantly worrying about how I looked and what people thought of my arms and if people could see my unflattering stomach and so on. I want the day to be about her. I don't want to be miserable.

So, despite not wanting to have a goal specifically about losing weight, I am resolving to do so. I want to lose 25-40 lbs (get back to ONE-derland and stay in it) before the wedding in August. This is not easy to do. I realize this. I have not lost more than 15 lbs in any year for the last decade. So, it will take a lot of work. I particularly need to do something about my arms. I barely do any upper body exercises or anything to tone my arms, so I will need to focus on that particularly. I feel ashamed writing this, and think this is such a petty reason. I feel stupid and like a bad sister for thinking these things. But regardless, it is how I feel. I hope that ultimately it will lead to something positive.

BREAKFAST

Idli (fermented and steamed rice/urad dal dumplings) and coconut chutney

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Carrots, Quinoa, Black Beans, Tomatoes, Goddess Dressing

SNACK
1/4 cup raw walnuts

DINNER

Samosa Ragada. Traditionally made with yellow peas, but I used garbanzos. Ate about 2/3 of this.
Mini-Samosas in a chickpea-tomato gravy w. cilantro and tamarind chutney, topped w. yogurt

Don has some land outside of town. It was freezing, so we went there and built a really warm bonfire and sipped on Don's homemade hard apple cider.

EXERCISE
10,766 steps
8 flights of stairs. I fell short, so will do 2 extra flights today.