Sunday, January 3, 2016

How I Look

I grew up with a mom who was very critical of my appearance and my weight. There is a lot to be said about that, but I will limit it to this - I went through years of dieting and bingeing to try and resolve the conflict between my really healthy self-esteem and really poor sense of my body-image. It didn't help that an ex-fiance of mine said some pretty derogatory things about my being overweight when he ended the relationship. I would resolve to diet, do it for a while, then give up either because my brain said that it was a silly thing to do to starve myself, or because I'd feel that there wasn't any point - my body was never going to look good.

Eventually, I reached a point where I decided that I was going to accept what my body was like, do good things to it, hope that if any weight-loss occurred it would improve my body-image, but that I was not going to intentionally go on any sort of diet ever again. I have mostly stuck to that. I don't calorie count, I don't do drastic diets, and so on. My body-image right now is not super wonderful, but I thought I had learned to live with it.

Then this December, I went to visit my little sister. My little sister is gorgeous! She is petite and at a very healthy weight - she is not skinny, not overweight, and looks amazing. She also takes care of exercising regularly, dressing and making herself up and so on - things that I don't do. My mom would frequently compare my looks to hers, and although this has not diminished how much I love her and how wonderful our relationship is, I find myself frequently comparing myself to her. It's never envious or resentful - more just admiring and cherishing, thank goodness!

In any case, my sister is getting married next year. I am her maid of honor. I went dress shopping with her. She looked amazing in all the dresses she tried on, and finally found the one! She looked drop-dead gorgeous in it! It is a stunner! Things were going along great until I tried on some bridesmaid's dresses. I hated myself in everything I tried on! No matter what style of dress I tried on, I found myself criticizing my two problem areas - my stomach and my arms. And without wanting to, I kept comparing myself to my sister and how delightfully lovely she looked in her dress. For a couple of days after that, I kept remembering what I looked like and the sense of shame that came up for me. I tried to find gratitude for my body that is so good to me, but I found it very very hard to do. I was miserable.

I don't want to feel like that on her wedding day. I want to be there for my sister and happy for her without constantly worrying about how I looked and what people thought of my arms and if people could see my unflattering stomach and so on. I want the day to be about her. I don't want to be miserable.

So, despite not wanting to have a goal specifically about losing weight, I am resolving to do so. I want to lose 25-40 lbs (get back to ONE-derland and stay in it) before the wedding in August. This is not easy to do. I realize this. I have not lost more than 15 lbs in any year for the last decade. So, it will take a lot of work. I particularly need to do something about my arms. I barely do any upper body exercises or anything to tone my arms, so I will need to focus on that particularly. I feel ashamed writing this, and think this is such a petty reason. I feel stupid and like a bad sister for thinking these things. But regardless, it is how I feel. I hope that ultimately it will lead to something positive.

Idli (fermented and steamed rice/urad dal dumplings) and coconut chutney

Salad w. Spinach, Carrots, Quinoa, Black Beans, Tomatoes, Goddess Dressing

1/4 cup raw walnuts

Samosa Ragada. Traditionally made with yellow peas, but I used garbanzos. Ate about 2/3 of this.
Mini-Samosas in a chickpea-tomato gravy w. cilantro and tamarind chutney, topped w. yogurt

Don has some land outside of town. It was freezing, so we went there and built a really warm bonfire and sipped on Don's homemade hard apple cider.

10,766 steps
8 flights of stairs. I fell short, so will do 2 extra flights today.


#fatfreefloozy said...

I know how you feel! It needs to be about the moments in life but all too often, it is about our poor body image. I look at girls who can wear sleeveless tops and I am so envious! Some are far bigger than me, but they just have the confidence to do it! You will rock that bridesmaid dress and be wonderful!!!!

Christina @ Love Yourself Healthy said...

You are not a bad sister for feeling that way--a bad sister would be wishing that she gains 30 pounds before her wedding! Her wedding is your motivation for now, and that's okay... just don't forget all your other "why's" in the process :) You will look beautiful!

Chrysalis Fit said...

Thank you so much for normalizing my feelings. I feel very supported. Hopefully, I will be able to keep the motivation going!

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