Binge

I binged. I knew as I was doing it that I was binging, but I seemed to just not care and didn't stop myself. Now I feel stuffed and awful!

I was going to say I have no idea why I binged. But I do know. Here is what led up to it:
(1) I ate way too many carbs yesterday and still feel guilty and felt like I "ruined" mt progress
(2) I didn't get enough sleep last night and am exhausted
(3) I slept past my alarm, didn't have any time this morning for breakfast and was starving at lunchtime
(4) I am self-sabotaging. I can see myself do it. I do it everytime I start to make any progress, and I do it anytime I have any setbacks.

I'm starting again now.

NSV

I had a lovely NSV day yesterday. As my first bus pulled into the main bus station, I saw my connecting bus leave teh station. My first bus had been a minute or so late. Rather than wait another half an hour to catch the next bus, I attempted to sprint to the next bus stop that was just over 0.3 miles away. And astonishingly, I made it before the bus did. This is not astonishing because I ran faster than the bus - the bus had two stoplights and stopped along the way allowing me to overtake it. It's astonishing because I did not think I had the stamina to run that far that fast. I ran there in 2 minutes, which is about the equivalent of running at the speed of a 6 minute mile - SO BLOODY IMPRESSIVE TO ME!!!!

Now, I am not a runner. I know there are hordes of people who absolutely love running. I do not - it sounds horrible to me. I briefly tried to see if I could get the "runner's high", but I didn't. I get a real high just from walking long distances though. And it's far more low-impact on my body. The very idea of what "pounding the pavement" might do to my knees even with good shoes on is rather scary to think about. I maintain that if people run, they should do so over sand or grass or some other natural surface that our bodies were made to run on - long-term running on concrete scares the crap out of me. In any case, since I don't run, I don't think of myself as a person who has the sort of stamina that allows one to run. I have often thought that if I were someone from a long time ago, rather than run from a predator, I might as well give up and get eaten because I wouldn't be able to anyway. This is why the fast sprint yesterday surprised me so much, measly distance as it was...

BREAKFAST

Two Oranges

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Yellow Bell Pepper, Tomato, Cucumber, Walnuts, Greek dressing with a Morningstar veggie burger crumbled in for protein

SNACK

Hummus and carrots

Tea and Homemade low-sugar chocolate biscotti

DINNER

I'm trying to use up stuff that I have at home before I go grocery shopping again. So, I threw together this weird combination of stuffing, broccoli, carrots, black beans, spices and baked it all up. It turned out quite good. Also had a hunk of queso fresco on the side. Followed this up with two unphotographed chocolate truffles.

EXERCISE
10,099 steps

Disappointing Weigh-In

Weigh-in this morning was 223.2lbs. That is a 1.4lb gain from last week. It's disappointing, but not really surprising. I didn't focus on my goals for the week, and anything that I did achieve was by accident. Also, I didn't eat salads for lunch as I had planned to do, and my tracking was off in general.

On the positive side, I did two things this weekend that were good fitness-wise. I met a new walking buddy - someone who had posted on Craigslist. A bit scary, but I figured if we met in a public place and went walking along a populated area, I'd be fine. She turned out to be nice and an easy walking buddy. We plan on going walking again next Saturday. More excitingly, I went back contra-dancing after about a year and a half. It was SOOOOOOOOOO much fun! If you don't know what contra-dancing is, I have included a YouTube video below. It is very energetic dancing. I danced for about 3 hours straight with only 2-3 minute breaks between each dance. I hit 20,000 steps that day! The next day, I was SORE!!!! I rested most of Sunday, and got less than 2,000 steps but was totally okay with that.

Here's what this week's walking looked like:

Now, this week's goals:

(1) Walk 5000+ steps each day
(2) DEFINITELY do 2 upper body exercises
(3) Eat a salad each weekday

Not Such a Good Day

Yesterday, I had some serious motivational issues. It didn't help that it was raining all day without a break! It also didn't help that I was also tired and my body ached. Instead of getting my 10,000 steps, I decided to make myself some comfort food and soak my feet in an Epsom bath to relieve some of the soreness. Soaking your body or feet in a warm bath with Epsom salts is a folk remedy for sore muscles. There is so scientific rationale for using the Epsom salts. But, the warmth helped and it peppermint scent of the salts were very soothing. I didn't meet any of my mini goals except the sleep one.

BREAKFAST

Fage Yogurt - I didn't take a pic, so reusing a pic from a couple of days ago.

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Arugula, Lentils, Quinoa, Walnits, Greek Dressing
1 Orange, Unsweetened Ice Tea

DINNER

Tea, Dahi Kabab
I discovered a new Indian snack over the weekend - Dahi Kabab. It's made by mixing strained yogurt (thicker than Greek yogurt) with a bunch of spices and roasted chickpea flour, making small balls out of it, rolling it in APF and then pan-frying them. I used just over a cup of strained yogurt, 1/2 cup of APF and 2 tbsp of oil for all of these. The total was 623 cal: 55/28/35 g of Carb/Fat/Protein. Not bad for such yummy comfort food and such a large portion!

I had dinner really early, so about 4 hours later, I was hungry again and ate a PBH on one slice of whole wheat bread, 1 small slice walnut bread, 10 rolled doritos chips, 1/2 bottle of coconut water

EXERCISE
4,629 steps - really sad. :-(

New Mini Goals

Last week my goals and progress were:

(1) Get into bed by 10pm - DONE on all days except one. This is a keeper.
(2) Get 10,000 steps daily - DONE (one day I had 9,717 but made up for it on other days)
(3) Do 2 upper body workouts - PARTIALLY DONE (Only did one workout)

The sleep goal was excellent - I need more sleep and this goal helped me get it. The steps goal was good, I think. I felt motivated to make the 10,000 steps every day, but I seriously struggled with this some of the days. I think I will modify this one. The upper body workout goal I kept postponing to later in the week and ended up doing one on Saturday after which I discovered that my muscles were so sore that I needed to let them rest. I also discovered that my left arm is weaker and that although I was able to do most kind of lifting, I was not able to do full lateral raises with my left arm. Need to work on that!

So, goals for this week are:

(1) Get into bed by 10:00pm
(2) Drink 64 oz of water daily
(3) Do 2 upper body exercises
(4) Get 10,000 steps at least 4x this week + 7,000 on other days

So, here is my Fitbit report for the week. For some reason, my Fitbit report sends me Mon-Sun reports although my account setting states that it's supposed to count Sunday as the start of the week. In any case, I see that my sleep has improved compared to a couple of weeks ago.

Back on the Butte + Weigh-in

Happy MLK Day everyone!

I woke up excited about three things:
(1) No work today
(2) I was going on a hike up a local butte where I hadn't been in over a year, and
(3) I was most definitely getting my 10,000 steps.

I got 10,000 steps every day this past week. However, I found that unless I was walking somewhere with a purpose, it is remarkably hard to get 10,000 steps. Yesterday was a case in point. It was pouring outside and I didn't want to go to my gym which would most definitely be packed with NY's resolution makers for the next couple of months. So, I accompanied Don to a local hardware store where I paced about while he shopped. It was incredibly boring. Between the hardware store and the grocery store, I did make 10,000 steps, but it was boring as crap!

So, I went hiking up Spencer butte today. It is an incredibly beautiful butte and a moderately difficult hike which translates to a "quite difficult " hike for me. I have not been up there in a year. Prior to that, my friend Lisa and I used to go up there almost every week and our bodies had started to get used to it. I knew that going back after so long would be hard, and it was. Surprisingly, the first portion of it wasn't as hard as I remembered. However, as we went higher, I was out of breath a lot. Lisa did wonderfully well and credited her yoga practice for the strength of her breathing. I want to take up yoga too! It was an incredibly crisp and clear day, and we saw the snow-capped "Sisters" mountains in the distance. All in all, a very satisfying hike. I got 7,500 of my steps for the day and my fitbit registered it as the equivalent of climbing 75 flights of stairs! Yay!

Picture from SpencerButte.com

On another happy note: Weigh-in this morning was 221.8 lbs!!!! That's a loss of 3.2 lbs. After last week's minuscule loss, I am really really happy about this. It helped that I hit my 10,000 steps goal every day last week except Monday when I still did 9,717 steps.

Stupid TV Diet Show

My day was okay - got my steps, got into bed on time, still haven't done upper body workout due to getting home really really late most days. Sigh! I had planned on eating a salad for lunch again, but it was getting a little old and yesterday's leftover calzone was calling to me. By dinnertime, I felt really depressed. Don made me scrambled eggs and baked potatoes. So, not many veggies today. Sigh!!! On the upside, I went out for a 20 min walk before lunch even though there was a slight drizzle - something that would typically deter me. I find that a short walk at lunchtime really helps with getting my 10,000 steps. Here's a tree that I saw while walking at lunchtime - at first when I was a block or so away, I thought it was a tree with leftover Christmas decorations. But, it turned out to be an apple tree which had shed its leaves and the apples were still on it!

I watched this really stupid TV show while eating my lunch. I should eat mindfully and without watching YouTube videos - I know, I know!!! Anyhow, I watched a new show on ABC: "My Diet is Better Than Yours". WTF!!! It is so ridiculous. It's good that people want to get fitter, I guess. But it drives me mad when I see people doing a lot of all or nothing diets - like an all vegan diet, or an only wild food diet or an all-paleo diet (which isn't on the show but is also very restrictive). Sustainable? NO!!!! And a bunch of these "fitness experts" try to be motivational, but end up just sounding like really silly uninformed ninnies. One "fitness expert" said to a contestant who lost some inches off her waist that she had lost some "really old toxic fat" around her belly. WTF is that? What's a toxic fat? How does she know it's old fat? How does she know it's fat and not water? Like I said, silly ninnies! And apparently yelling at people is supposed to be motivating. I'm a therapist, so that's my career shot to bits! The contestants seem to like it, though!

BREAKFAST

Fage plain Greek yogurt - I love this yogurt!

LUNCH

Leftover mozzarella, tomato, olive, basil, feta calzone

SNACK
Kiwi, Babybel

DINNER
2 scrambled eggs, 1.5 baked potato. hazelnut chocolate

EXERCISE
10,157 steps

Eating Out

Yesterday was a successful day walk-wise. Eating-wise, okay also. I posted yesterday that I had a meeting with food and then dinner with a friend. At the meeting, I chose to eat only a few crackers and artichoke dip because dinner was right after. At dinner, I got a bit of a carb overload. Ate bread, half a calzone, a scoop of gelato.

Is making healthy choices when eating out difficult for anyone else? I might pick a salad but two things stop me. Firstly, veggie salads at restaurants are mostly just greens and a few toppings and aren't very filling. I can make better salads at home. Secondly, when I eat out, I want something that I don't or can't make at home. Also, taking pics of my food when others aren't is hard for me. So I only have one pic from dinner.

Have a great day everyone!

BREAKFAST
Chobani Plain Greek Yogurt. I really do not like Chobani's greek yogurt. It's less flavorful and more watery than other brands. I do like some of their flavored flip yogurts, though.

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Arugula, Walnuts, Quinoa, Lentils, Black Beans. One pear.

SNACK
5 crackers and 2tbsp artichoke dip.

DINNER

Unphotographed Bread
Calzone with Mozzarella, Feta, Kalamata Olives, Basil, Tomatoes. Ate half of this.
Unphotographed chocolate gelato

EXERCISE
10,100 steps

Jan 12th

I had an okay day.

I started the day with plain Greek yogurt which kept me full all morning. I should start eating Greek yogurt more often. I like the plain variety. I think I have mentioned before on this blog that I cannot stand sweet things for breakfast. Fruits are the exception to that rule. But sadly, most yogurts you get at the store are sweetened. Maybe I will have those for desserts.

At lunchtime, I decided to run an errand over the first half of the hour and get some steps in. However, one errand ran into three and there was a really long line one place. So I got back to work with only a few minutes to spare and ate some cheese so I wouldn't starve.

The rest of my afternoon was really busy and I didn't get anything to eat until the evening when Don and I went to a church potluck. Sadly most of the vegetarian stuff there was pasta. This is usually not the case, so I wasn't expecting that.Having only had dairy and coffee the rest of the day, I was ravenous and ate some of that yummy carby pasta. :-)

I did get my 10,000 steps. I got into bed by 10pm re: my goal. I didn't fall asleep until 11pm though. Still, it's better than the past few days of going to bed past midnight.

Today's challenges: a meeting where there will be food, dining out with a friend, busy/long day leaving not much time for walking.

BREAKFAST

Plain Greek Yogurt, Coffee

LUNCH

Mild Cheddar Cheese

DINNER

Assorted Pasta, some veggies, bread, fruit at a potluck

EXERCISE
10,525 steps.
And here is this week's Fitbit Report:

Goals for the Week

Yesterday was an okay day food and fitness wise. I did mostly okay on eating healthfully, but ate a brownie at work and one square of dark chocolate and three squares of milk chocolate after dinner that I didn't photograph. I wonder why I do that!?!??!!!! In terms of walking, I got almost 10,000 steps, but it was from doing chores and so on. None of it was intentional. Today, I want to be more careful and mindful.

I should have set goals for this week yesterday with the weigh-in post, but I didn't, so here goes:

(1) Get into bed by 10pm
(2) Get 10,000 steps daily
(3) Do 2 upper body workouts

My sleep has been abysmal lately, so that needs to be remedied. Also, I rarely get 10,000 steps unless I put my mind to it. So, the second goal should help with intentionally focusing on my fitness. Finally, my goal of toning my arms has not been focused on at all this year. I need to get on top of that.

What are your goals this week?

BREAKFAST

Orange; Coffee w. half and half

SNACK

Small piece of homemade potato bread and homemade pineapple jam. The jam was YUMMY!!!

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Quinoa, Lentils, Walnuts, Tofu, Greek Dressing; 2 kiwis (not in pic)

SNACK

1/2 cup Cinnamon Crunch Cereal; an unphotographed brownie

DINNER

Israeli Couscous with Pesto and Mushrooms; Morningstar soy crumbles
4 squares of unphotographed chocolate

EXERCISE
9,717 steps
I've decided not to log flights of stairs because my Fitbit routinely overestimates this.

Weigh-In #1

Welcome to the first weigh-in of the year after New Year's Day. Although this is the first weigh-in I am posting, I have hopped on the scale every now and again. This makes this report somewhat disappointing because at one point last week, I was down to 223.4lbs. Oh well! The official weigh-in for today is 225.0 lbs. Down 0.6lbs from last week. I am grateful for the loss however small.

Last week, I did most of my healthy eating and exercising/walking over the weekdays. From Fri-Sun, my daily steps were under 10,000 and although I did not eat horribly, I did not track much and also ate larger portions. On Saturday, we were invited to a friend's place, and I think she forgot that I was vegetarian because apart from the salad greens, the only other vegetables were cooked with the meat, so I didn't have any. I had a salad with no protein, and some greek yogurt. But she made the most amazing rosemary garlic bread that I have ever eaten! It was heavenly and I think I overindulged on it. I am planning on re-creating it sometime this week and if I do, I'll post the recipe.

Some of the other highs this weekend were - Sunday was a day of rest. All I did was chores around the home, painting my nails and catching up on some videos I wanted to watch. It has made my week start at a lovely, relaxed pace. On Saturday, I met a friend for lunch whom I have not met since the summer. She was my best friend for years and this is the longest we've gone without meeting. We hit a small rough patch a few months ago when we both were struggling with separate personal issues. It was hard to be there for each other, and I think we both felt let down. But, we talked things over - both of us apologized, and we are back to how close we were before. After lunch, we came back to my place, made some tea and chatted for a couple of hours. All in all, this weekend was a good one for emotional and social rejuvenation. I am grateful for this.

Although I did not consistently click pictures of my food, here are some of the things I ate this weekend:

Two eggs scrambled with zucchini and carrots

Slice of Ricotta/Potato/Onion pizza; Assorted stuff from the olive bar

Moong dosa (soaked and ground mung bean crepe) and coconut chutney

A sugar cookie that my sister and I had made and iced together over the Christmas holiday

Salad w. Lettuce, pico de gallo and pinto beans

EXERCISE
Less than 10,000 steps each day. Ranged from 3XXX - 8XXX.

Jan 7th

Yesterday was a long day for me. It was the first really packed day after the Christmas break, so I was a bit overwhelmed. After work, I went walking with my friend Lisa. I love Lisa - she motivates me so much! Apart from just being a great walking buddy, she lives a very mindful and thoughtful life - something I aspire to. Since I have started to take the bus to work, it's a longer commute now - almost an hour. By the time I got back home, I was tired and ravenous. So, I made something quick and easy and tasty - lemon rice w. peanuts. It's my Indian comfort food. I could have made some veggies, but ended up not doing that. But not to worry - I got several servings of veggies at lunch, so I think I'm okay.

When I got home, Don had done a bunch of housework. Our dishwasher's on the blink, so he washed a bunch of dishes, took out the trash and recycling, straightened up in the living room and made the bed. I was very grateful. Housework and organization are not his strong suits. Several of our big arguments are about this. When I thanked him, he said, "Well, I thought about how I could show you that I love you, and I thought you'd like this." He can be a cutie pie sometimes. (Though he also drives me nuts frequently!) I wish he would learn to cook - that's a skill I could use especially on days when I get home late. But he is as unmotivated to cook as he is motivated to eat. Never mind - I'll gladly take a straightened up home instead!

BREAKFAST

Banana

SNACK

Babybel Light Cheese

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Tomatoes, Quinoa, Black Beans, Carrots, Goddess Dressing and Walnuts

1/2 cup cinnamon crunch cereal for dessert

SNACK
1 mini Almond Joy

DINNER

Lemony Rice w. Peanuts; Unphotographed square of chocolate, 1/2 cookie

EXERCISE
10,978 steps; 14 floors (I only did 10 flights, but the Fitbit overcounted again)

Jan 6th

Yesterday was one of those days again like the day before - rushing and going without breakfast, okay lunch, higher fat/carb dinner and lots of steps. I don't make healthy choices when I go out to eat. That's a fact. But then, I also don't go out to eat that often. So, I am cutting myself some slack.

BREAKFAST

Banana

LUNCH

My supervisee is from Jamaica. She brought me some jerk sauce from her Winter trip home. I sauteed zucchini and carrot noodles with some tomatoes and some jerk sauce. Spicy!!!! For lunch, I added some walnuts, scrambled tofu and quinoa to it. Also a babybel light.

DINNER

Shared Mozzarella sticks w. Don

Veggie Burger. I skipped the top half of the bun. Ate about 2/3rd the fries.

EXERCISE
11,640 steps, 11 floors

Jan 5th, 2016

Not much to report today. I did well mostly. I walked a lot. My eating was a bit off. I had to rush to work because I overslept and did not have a chance to eat breakfast. So, I ended up having coffee and a small cookie at my desk. I ate a salad for lunch. For dinner, I ate bar food. I could have picked a healthier option, but I picked fried food. It happens!

BREAKFAST

Coffee w. half and half; Small homemade cookie someone brought to work

LUNCH

I brought this pretty white bowl to work to motivate me to make colorful salads to eat.
Salad w. Spinach, quinoa, black beans, carrots, walnuts, tomatoes, goddess dressing
Babybel light cheese

DINNER
Unphotographed bar food - 4 mozzarella sticks, 4 jalapeno poppers, 1 cup tortilla chips, cheese dip.

EXERCISE
11,655 steps; 11 flights of stairs
I think my fitbit "enhances" how many flights of stairs I take. I think I actually only climbed 8 flights.

Jan 3rd-Jan 4th

I was out of town for the funeral of one of Don's cousins on Monday, so was not able to update the past few days. Not much to report today - mostly pictures, I think.

BREAKFAST

I had the same breakfast both Sunday and Monday - 2 eggs scrambled with onions, pesto, black olives and topped with queso fresco; Tea w. milk & 1 tsp sugar

LUNCH

SUNDAY: leftover veggie enchiladas and samosa ragada
MONDAY: We went to an Indian buffet. I didn't eat too much, but had way too many carbs!

DINNER

SUNDAY: Small slice cheese pizza, murukku
MONDAY: Corn tortillas w. queso fresco and japalenos (healthy version of jalapeno poppers)

EXERCISE
SUNDAY: 11,732 steps, 13 floors (most recorded on my fitbit so far)
MONDAY: 8,236 steps, 10 floors

And here is a pic of my first weekly Fitbit Report:

As you can see - I should probably have another goal re: sleep!!!

How I Look

I grew up with a mom who was very critical of my appearance and my weight. There is a lot to be said about that, but I will limit it to this - I went through years of dieting and bingeing to try and resolve the conflict between my really healthy self-esteem and really poor sense of my body-image. It didn't help that an ex-fiance of mine said some pretty derogatory things about my being overweight when he ended the relationship. I would resolve to diet, do it for a while, then give up either because my brain said that it was a silly thing to do to starve myself, or because I'd feel that there wasn't any point - my body was never going to look good.

Eventually, I reached a point where I decided that I was going to accept what my body was like, do good things to it, hope that if any weight-loss occurred it would improve my body-image, but that I was not going to intentionally go on any sort of diet ever again. I have mostly stuck to that. I don't calorie count, I don't do drastic diets, and so on. My body-image right now is not super wonderful, but I thought I had learned to live with it.

Then this December, I went to visit my little sister. My little sister is gorgeous! She is petite and at a very healthy weight - she is not skinny, not overweight, and looks amazing. She also takes care of exercising regularly, dressing and making herself up and so on - things that I don't do. My mom would frequently compare my looks to hers, and although this has not diminished how much I love her and how wonderful our relationship is, I find myself frequently comparing myself to her. It's never envious or resentful - more just admiring and cherishing, thank goodness!

In any case, my sister is getting married next year. I am her maid of honor. I went dress shopping with her. She looked amazing in all the dresses she tried on, and finally found the one! She looked drop-dead gorgeous in it! It is a stunner! Things were going along great until I tried on some bridesmaid's dresses. I hated myself in everything I tried on! No matter what style of dress I tried on, I found myself criticizing my two problem areas - my stomach and my arms. And without wanting to, I kept comparing myself to my sister and how delightfully lovely she looked in her dress. For a couple of days after that, I kept remembering what I looked like and the sense of shame that came up for me. I tried to find gratitude for my body that is so good to me, but I found it very very hard to do. I was miserable.

I don't want to feel like that on her wedding day. I want to be there for my sister and happy for her without constantly worrying about how I looked and what people thought of my arms and if people could see my unflattering stomach and so on. I want the day to be about her. I don't want to be miserable.

So, despite not wanting to have a goal specifically about losing weight, I am resolving to do so. I want to lose 25-40 lbs (get back to ONE-derland and stay in it) before the wedding in August. This is not easy to do. I realize this. I have not lost more than 15 lbs in any year for the last decade. So, it will take a lot of work. I particularly need to do something about my arms. I barely do any upper body exercises or anything to tone my arms, so I will need to focus on that particularly. I feel ashamed writing this, and think this is such a petty reason. I feel stupid and like a bad sister for thinking these things. But regardless, it is how I feel. I hope that ultimately it will lead to something positive.

BREAKFAST

Idli (fermented and steamed rice/urad dal dumplings) and coconut chutney

LUNCH

Salad w. Spinach, Carrots, Quinoa, Black Beans, Tomatoes, Goddess Dressing

SNACK
1/4 cup raw walnuts

DINNER

Samosa Ragada. Traditionally made with yellow peas, but I used garbanzos. Ate about 2/3 of this.
Mini-Samosas in a chickpea-tomato gravy w. cilantro and tamarind chutney, topped w. yogurt

Don has some land outside of town. It was freezing, so we went there and built a really warm bonfire and sipped on Don's homemade hard apple cider.

EXERCISE
10,766 steps
8 flights of stairs. I fell short, so will do 2 extra flights today.