Mini-Binge Last Night

All of this week is going to be busy - I am doing two presentations at a conference this weekend, and I am feeling rushed, anxious and busy. Add to that the fact that I am taking Friday off to go to the conference, and I have a short week with a full week's worth of work squeezed in. Yesterday, I forgot to check my blood sugar before lunch and dinner and forgot to take the metformin as well. GRR!! I am tracking my food intake though, even if I forget to take pictures.

Last night, Don went to a potluck meeting that I sometimes go to also. But I was not feeling up to it. I had had only 5 hours of sleep the night before, so I came home. I didn't feel like cooking, so I ate what I could find at home - a hunk of cheese and a KIND bar. When Don came home, he brought me a small slice of cheese pizza and a cookie, and I ate that as well. It didn't feel like a HUGE binge, but it did feel like a small one. I am trying not to be hard on myself about it in keeping with yesterday's affirmation.

Today's affirmation is: I am mentally and emotionally equipped to enjoy a healthy and loving life. I have frequently doubted this. My mother has been depressed and angry her whole life, and I have learned a lot of my self-criticism from her. I used to be scared of her, but as I have grown older, I get frustrated with her, but see her pain and her love for me, and find more forgiveness that anger towards her. But, I have frequently wondered if I am like her and just not emotionally equipped to live a happy life. I am generally happy and optimistic, but I am given to bouts of depression that debilitate me. And I feel guilty for feeling that way because I actually have a pretty good life and people around me who love me. And a lot of my worry is that I am just not emotionally equipped to be healthy. I worry that I give in to food too easily and that comfort is more important to me that health. I am going to try and accept that I am emotionally equipped to deal with any challenges life places my way. And being healthy and being depressed does not have to go hand in hand. I can and will be healthy.

JOURNAL

Busy Day Yesterday

Yesterday was a busy day at work. I was busy all day with very little time between meetings. I am an introvert and usually like to take a break over my lunch hour, but I had planned a lunch with a colleague, so we ate lunch in my office, and then went for a 20 min walk. After work, I went for an hour long weekly walk with another friend. Then Don and I went to a bachata class. It was an hour long, but we only danced for 30 min - the rest was choreography and watching the others dance. I only snapped one pic - that of dinner. I did check my blood sugar before each meal, and the numbers weren't bad.

My affirmation for today is: "Every thought I think is creating my Future" - it's one of my favorite ones from the "Power Thought Cards". I think plenty of thoughts that are self-destructive. I say mean things to myself, I berate my choices, I compare myself to others, I tell myself I can't do certain things. Over the years, these thoughts have created my current reality - I am obese, easily out of breath, not in shape and have serious self-doubt about my capability of changing this. Instead, I choose thoughts that are positive. I have choices and I choose. I can do and think myself into a better way of being. I then choose these thoughts: I am loveable. I am enough. I am beautiful. I can eat healthfully without depriving myself. I can manage my diabetes. I can exercise 2-3x a week. I can eat more homemade meals. I can choose to think positively and create a healthy future.

JOURNAL

The numbers that are circled are my BG numbers prior to eating those meals.

DINNER

The only meal I took a pic of - mac and cheese w. soy granules and bell pepper.

I am Enough

I've been gone for a long time. I've thought several times of logging in to blog again, but a bout of depression coinciding with a really busy month (work and personally) had taken it out of me. I knew if I blogged, it wouldn't be regular - it would be another post followed by a long silence.

A few weeks ago, I was ruminating on all the health and fitness goals that I make for myself - each year, each month, each week, each day. I don't meet them. I have maintained the same new-years goals related to weight and health for years on end. Why can I not achieve it? I have done so many other things - achieved so much! But when it comes to food and eating, I am stuck. Nothing fundamental has changed - I still don't like how my body looks, I don't like how my body feels, I say derogatory things about my body, I judge things I eat, and I pretend I don't care by saying - I love my body, I am going to eat and do whatever I want!

Several years ago, when I first stumbled upon the world of food blogging, I was inspired and went through a very positive phase - I was recording everything I ate without judgment, and did an exercise of affirmation each day. It helped. When I work towards changing how I feel on the inside, and work towards adding the sort of fuel that I think my body needs, I end up feeling better, sticking to my goals better and being proud of myself.

So, that is what I resolve to do. I am going to post pics of food here like I have been doing, but I am also going to do pen-and-paper journalling about the food I eat. I will also meditate upon a daily affirmation. I may not post pics everyday, but I am committing to journal my food. And I will start with my favorite affirmation: "I AM ENOUGH".

I AM ENOUGH. I am just as I need to be for who I am now. I am enough for my family and friends who love me unreservedly. I am enough for the people I help who come to me and tell me that I make a difference. My body is enough - to get myself around and do my daily chores. My mind is enough - more than enough - I have three graduate degrees spanning two fields of study, I am a critical thinker, I am compassionate. My soul is enough - I am enough for myself and my maker.

BREAKFAST

Puttu and kadala. It's a traditional breakfast served in Kerala, India.
Puttu = steamed cake of roasted rice flour with salt and some coconut mixed in.
Kadala = Gravy with black chickpeas and coconut milk.

LUNCH

1/2 cup rice w. Salsa, Orange Bell Pepper, Yumm Sauce; Two kiwis.

DINNER

Don and I ate a really early dinner - vegetable/tofu lo mein at a Chinese restaurant. It was more noodle and less veggie than I had expected. Look at the size of that plate! I had some, Don ate his meal and then had some of mine, and I still have enough leftover for a weekday lunch! Then, we got hungry around 9-ish, so snacked on chocolate and pita chips.